


Goodbye, Sunshine

by musicmillennia



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Mild Language but it is only one word, Spoilers, Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 13:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmillennia/pseuds/musicmillennia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock's thoughts and feelings as he watches Jim Kirk die. (I wrote this the night my dog died; I apologize for any out of character implications because of this reason, as I reflect my feelings with Spock's.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye, Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> This may sound strange, but I dedicate this to my dog. Her name was Sassy--and yes, that name fit her well. She was euthanized in my home while I pet her head. Her time of death was around 8:10 or 8:12 on June 28th. I figured that, while the feeling is fresh, I could write it down and try to vent that way.
> 
> The title is from Goodbye by Avril Lavigne. At first, I thought the song was perfect for the scene in Into Darkness. Now it fits both, I think.

Spock has never cried. Not even when his planet--and his beloved mother--perished, he did not shed a single tear.

Now, watching Jim Kirk--the only man he had ever truly considered as his friend--die before his eyes, unable to comfort or prevent it, Spock lets himself cry. He lets his voice shake, lets his emotions run through every fiber of his trembling body.

"I'm scared, Spock," Jim gasps.

 _So am I,_ Spock thinks. He's terrified.

How is life going to continue without Jim? It is inconceivable; the fact that Spock will never see Jim's smile again, will never see him walk around with that loose, cocky gait, will never see the way his eyes light up at a victory, will never be able to hear Jim laugh again, will never be able to see Jim sit down in his chair on the Bridge and tell Sulu to set their course...it is impossible to consider. Improbable.

Yet it is true. And for the first time, Spock might just break from the weight of logic.

"Help me not be," Jim whispers, "How do you choose not to feel?" _  
_

Choose not to fe...?

"I do not know," Spock replies, "Right now I am failing."

He looks so beautiful, even when dying. The acceptance of the inevitable, the fear of the unknown, it's all in his eyes. His wonderful, stardust blue eyes that Spock can't not see every day. He just can't.

Perhaps his other self was correct. Their friendship truly did define them both. There is no Spock without Kirk; there  _can't_ be.

His thoughts are derailed once more as Jim speaks again.  _This will be the last time I hear you speak to me_ is shoved into the back of his mind.

"I want you to know why I went back for you," he rasps, "Why I couldn't let you die."

Spock knows why. He knew from the moment he was beamed up from the volcano; he knew it from the moment he became First Officer to the _Enterprise._ He wants Jim to know that he knows as well. He can't let Jim...he can't let him go without telling him at least one feeling he has towards him.

"Because you are my friend."  _You are that and so much more. You are my heart._

Jim puts his hand up on the glass. Spock wants more than anything to break through the fucking thing and hold him.  _I need you to know you are loved_. _That you will **always**  be loved._

But he can't. He can only press his hand against the barrier with the salute of his people and hope that it is enough.

And Jim looks at their hands. Then he looks at him. His eyes are shining with tears; he doesn't want to go. More than anything, he wants to stay just as Spock wishes him to stay. Like him, he wants this to be a nightmare, something to shake off. Something Jim can laugh away with that easy smile he has.

Unfortunately, this is no dream. This is real; this is horrifyingly  _real_. Spock actually has to look at a future that has no James Tiberius Kirk in it.

Jim tries to smile. He almost manages it; until the muscles slacken, and his eyes unfocus. He lets out one final breath, and...

And then he's gone. His hand drops, and just like that, without preamble, Jim Kirk is  _gone_. Dead. Finished.

The sun is taken away, and space is suddenly dark and cold.

Spock screams.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll miss you so much, girl. You were the best. <3
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
